I’ve been really struggling for the last few days. Struggling with overeating, struggling with energy levels, struggling with a messy house, struggling with specific tasks, struggling with emotions, struggling with parenting. Well, to be honest, these are daily battles – I overeat every day, I’m tired every day, parenting etc is no different from any other day. But the last few days, I’ve been really low and really struggled with struggling! Possibly in part because my period is due any day. My emotions have been all over the place – either super sad or super angry. Stuff that I don’t really have a ‘right’ to get angry about (as in, if I put myself in the other person’s place, I would think I was being a bitch…which I kind of am…) but I’m somehow that eleven year old girl again feeling unloved and as if I don’t matter.
DH has had to work a lot the past week or so, including working half days on both days at the weekend (we had specific commitments with other people on the other half of each day). Doing something that wasn’t even supposed to be his job anyway. I tried to be supportive (after all he’s the one losing his weekend, not me, right?) but there was a massive part of me that was so angry at him because it felt like he was putting work before me and our son. And then a massive part of me that was so angry with myself because I felt like I was being an unreasonable cow. I know logically that sometimes people have to work weekends. If it had been the other way around, I would have wanted support and sympathy, not a partner pissed off at me about it. This is so typical of me lately, and it’s draining.
I then had a big stress out yesterday after I’d spent hours online attempting to sort out theatre tickets for me, my mum and my sister for next weekend. Short notice, limited budget, specific date, something we’d all enjoy etc etc. Part of me was feeling irked that I’d been nominated to sort it all out anyway (though, again, this wasn’t unfair – I’m the logical person as I’m a full time mum and have internet access and the most free time) and part of me was just frustrated with myself that I was so pathetic I couldn’t even manage to do something as simple as find some theatre tickets. My sister calmed me down over text and with a combination of a little bit more searching and an agreed increase in budget, I got the job done. Went to bed with a massive knot in my neck though from getting myself so worked up about it all way out of proportion.
I think I am feeling undervalued by other people and that actually (most of the time) it is me projecting my thoughts and fears onto them. I think I actually undervalue myself. I think I’m boring and a bit pathetic – so what on earth must other people think of me?! I’m a full time mum with no ‘proper’ job, and only have one child so therefore I’m not even under the pressures of a ‘proper’ mum who has two or three kids to juggle, and I’m lucky enough my child does a few mornings at preschool AND still naps in the afternoon so I actually have free time…and yet, my house is a mess, I have no hobbies (ok, I blog but it’s all a bit random and not that good), I have no idea what the hell I’m going to do once I have to re-join the world of ‘proper jobs’ somewhere down the line and have a huge gap on my CV and there’s little I’m skilled at or interests me. I guess I do fear getting to the end of my life – hopefully a good fifty or so years away yet! – and thinking I was never really good at anything or ever really interested in anything. That, actually, I was just a bit crap.
So I guess to start to remedy this, I’ve got to be the one to actual do something about it. I can’t wait for DH, or my family, or my friends, or the other mums at the preschool gate, or some random person on the street to make this better. To make my house tidier. To cook me healthy meals and stop me bingeing on sugary junk every single day. To make me a more engaged parent. To find me a hobby or an idea for a future career that sounds like it might fulfil or interest me. No matter whether anyone else in my world values me enough (whatever ‘enough’ is…), I need to find the self-confidence to believe that I’m worth taking care of myself. It needs to be me. I need to nourish myself. Nuture myself. Value myself.
NB: Please not that I don’t think full time parents have it easy or that it’s not as worthy as a ‘proper job’. It’s bloody hard work. I just am too hard on myself and feel like I need to either ‘prove’ it’s hard work or show that I’m a perfect housewife as well!