I’ve got a confession to make; I’m angry. A lot. Not right this very moment and not about anything specific. But it strikes me that I really do spend a lot of time being angry. About anything and everything. Sometimes I yell at X or make snide comments to DH but mainly I hold it internally…a bubbling well of anger inside my head until I feel that horrible knot of tension crippling the back of my neck.
It’s hard to admit to being angry. In fact, I know that when I’ve finished writing this, I will dither over the ‘visibility’ section of the menu on whether to make this public or keep it private where nobody can see it. Anger is somehow harder to admit to than sadness. Especially as a woman (I suspect it may be the other way around for men?) – society doesn’t really like us getting angry. Also, to me, it feels as though if I say I am sad, I am not blaming anybody for my feelings. But anger…that kind of feels like I am saying that the person has upset me is wrong or bad. Which may or may not be the case. A good example of this would be the baby situation. Admitting that I am sad that we probably won’t have another child is easy. It is what it is – a sadness that I may not getting to experience being a mum a second time. But the anger…well that’s harder to own up to. That feels like I am not only saying that I am unhappy about the lack of another child but also that my DH is wrong/unfair to say that he probably doesn’t want one. I don’t like his decision but I can’t say it’s ‘wrong’. He is perfectly entitled to feel how he does – just as I am perfectly entitled to feel how I do (anger included).
I think I get caught up in whether I’m being ‘right’ or ‘reasonable’ in feeling anger towards people when their thoughts or actions may actually be perfectly valid. But my anger is valid too. Though, depending upon the circumstances, what I do about it (and whether I voice it) might not be appropriate.
I have always thought of myself as someone who feels sad a lot. And that is true. But it has shocked me to realise how much time I am actually feeling ANGRY and not sad. Most of the anger I feel – I have to be honest here – is out of proportion to the situation. I find myself fuming to myself over small, stupid, insignificant things. Or sometimes over things I anticipate that someone might say or do (and that then do not transpire at all!). Wow. What a waste of my precious energy!
At the end of the day, I think I need to work on what is really behind that anger and how I can work to acknowledge it and manage it. Preferably whilst showing as much love to my son, my husband and myself as I can. I strongly suspect that the person I am really angry with is me. Anger at letting life pass me by and not being the best version of me I can be. That is something I can work on.