Unlucky number thirteen

It’s ironic that I made making another baby is number thirteen on my list. The unluckiest number for the thing I wanted most. Well, actually I suppose it isn’t ironic; I’m not superstitious and 13 is just another number.

This is just a venting post. I need to do it somewhere but feel free to skip it. The crux of the issue is that I want another child and my husband doesn’t. And I’m very sad about it. And a bit angry too. I feel guilty for admitting to the angry part though. I have every right to want a second child, but DH has every right not to want one.

We have a child already (no sh*t you say – we can count to two!) . He’s two and a half years old and he is wonderful. Although obviously I’m biased. And now I want another one. I want to experience being pregnant again, giving birth again, and having a tiny newborn for cuddles again. And to have the joy of raising another child. I would also like my son to have a sibling. I grew up as an only child (I do have a sister – who I love to bits – but she is seventeen years older than me, so we didn’t grow up together) and I was really, really lonely. I don’t want this for my son. To be fair, my loneliness was probably due mostly to other factors than a lack of siblings but it didn’t help. I would have loved a brother or sister just to have been around even if we didn’t get on all the time. To be able to look back and share childhood memories with.

I know that all only children are not lonely. Not at all. I know it wouldn’t necessarily be the case for my son, growing up in very different circumstances to me. In fact, my sister’s own son is an only child and is – from what I have seen –  a very happy, bright and well-adjusted teenage boy. Logically, I know this. But the number of siblings you have yourself – and whether that was positive or negative for you – often does play a big part in the decision of how many children you want. So, yes, I want another child for my son. But mostly I want one for me. Selfish I know…but then I don’t see many people having kids for the ‘greater good’ (in fact, environmentally speaking, the fewer kids the better!).

Most of my friends who had their first child around the same time as I had my son, now have a second baby or are pregnant. One friend had her second son yesterday. Another a second daughter a few weeks ago. And a third has announced a pregnancy this week. That’s on top of one more in late pregnancy and two more with second children born in the last year. So it’s kind of on my mind a lot. Much as I am thrilled for my friends, it’s kind of hard to be around them right now as well.

That DH does not want another is killing me. He hasn’t 100% said never but he doesn’t see it happening. And he has a right to that. Even if he had no specific reason, he has that right. And he does have reason. It’s a public blog and his business so it will stay that way. But he hasn’t found parenting our son easy and, rightly, thinks that two children would be even more stressful than one.

Doesn’t stop it hurting like hell though.


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