Stuck in a rut

So, I was going to make this blog all shiny and full of inspiration and how I’m working to make my life more mindful, more alive, more engaged and more happy. But I’m struggling already. With doing those things in real life. I’m stuck in a rut.

I’m supposed to be working on my relationship with food. I’m not. I’m using it as an excuse to eat a load of junk and to hell with it. It’s been over five years since I read the Beyond Chocolate book and I have got nowhere. That is not the fault of the book. It is me. I’m expecting it to work without doing any work. But it doesn’t work like that. Nothing does. I’ve latched on to just one of the ten principles ‘eat what you want’ and taken it to mean ‘stuff your face with cake and chocolate all day’ without tuning in to what my body really wants, without doing any of the work on why I overeat and without taking it in conjunction with the other nine principles. A rookie mistake most make when they start their Beyond Chocolate journey. But five years in and still doing it 99.9999% of the time? What am I so scared of that I won’t allow myself to do it properly? To make this enormous difference in my life. Am I scared of letting go of being fat? Am I scared of letting go of the comfort eating? Does it define me so much that if I don’t have that there’s nothing left that defines who I am and what I do?

The other mistake I’m making is the age old one of thinking “when I’m thin, I will…”. Buy new clothes, get a different hair cut, make more effort with my make-up, take up a hobby, do more exercise, be a better mum, have a second child (ok, that one is mainly dependent on DH agreeing to it, but surely if I was slim he would be mroe likely to agree…) be a better wife, be perfect and amazing. Wow…that’s giving a lot of power to a number on a scale or on the label on a pair of jeans. Just reading it sounds ridiculous. And yet on some level, I know that being slimmer makes it easier to find flattering clothes and liking the way I look makes it easier to feel confident in myself. But maybe I shouldn’t wait until I feel confident to do those things. Maybe I should feel the fear and do it anyway.

All I know is something needs to change. I’m stuck in a rut and need to get out. I need to break the cycle somewhere. It actually doesn’t matter where. Whether I tackle the weight and the overeating first or whether I tackle the things I feel only a slim, perfect me deserves to do. It doesn’t matter. I just need to start.

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